Marriage in the military: spouses say it takes hard work, innovation to succeed

By Kylee Dalmata
Norwich Guidon Staff Writer

It's midnight. A lone figure stands at an airport terminal watching a plane take off. On it is her husband. He is leaving without her and, worse yet, she has no idea where he is going or when he might be back.

It's a hard thing to have to deal with, and one of many reasons why marriages in the military often come to bitter ends.

The military community has one of the highest divorce rates in America today.

According to those who have made their military marriages work, it requires hard work, a little innovation, and a lot of understanding.

The lone figure in the airport terminal was once Allamae Dewey, Norwich's Uniform Procurement Officer and the owner of Dewey's laundry. Allamae's husband is an intelligence officer in the Army's Special Forces unit, the Green Berets.

"I understood why he had to leave, where a lot of wives didn't," Allamae said. "If you're not part of the military, you don't understand why they have to go."

The "on a moment's notice" lifestyle of the Special Forces was a constant presence for Allamae.

"Many times he was on alert and I wouldn't even know where he was going," Allamae said. "The news gave us more information than anything else."

Marriage in the military is a tenuous relationship that often ends badly, according to Allamae. It is more difficult than many imagine and becomes more than they can handle.

Another married member of the Army Special Forces community is MSG Max McIntyre, an Army ROTC Instructor at Norwich.

"Military marriage has a lot of challenges you don't see in civilian life; it's very unpredictable," McIntyre said. "This was my second marriage; I had learned from the first and was determined to make this work. You have to go into it where you are the best of friends, and have complete trust in each other, and then you have to make time. There has to be time to do things together."

According to McIntyre, he met his current wife at his ten-year high school reunion. He said it was "love at first sight."

McIntyre said the two kept in touch when he went back to Okinawa and were married in October of 1991 while he was home between missions.

McIntyre spent three more years' time in Okinawa during the first several years of marriage. This was a real strain on the couple, according to McIntyre.

"There was all the time when the family couldn't be there with you where you were stationed," McIntyre said.

When his operational tempo finally slowed, McIntyre moved with his wife to Ft. Bragg, N.C.

"You might think that being stationed in Bragg was a nine to five job, but it's a lot like it is here at Norwich," McIntyre said. "The hours are more like five to ten, and you think about it when you're not there."

According to McIntyre, it's the stress level of the job that makes or breaks a marriage.

"When I was with the combat dive team, I was gone 10 months out of the year," McIntyre said. "I'd come home for a few days, do my laundry, and deploy again for one, one and a half, or two months, but when I was home, I made the time count."

According to McIntyre, making a military marriage work requires a lot of hard work and determination.

"You have to be innovative; it takes a lot of work," McIntyre said. "Letters, internet, photos, constantly communicating. You just have to make it work. The fires of love keep going out, and you have to rekindle them all the time. If you don't, then you're doomed. You let them go out, and forget it. One day you will wake up and you will be living with this person you don't even know."

McIntyre also believes that a good marriage is essential to a successful military career.

"To go into the military you have to have a good marriage to begin with," McIntyre said. "If you have a lousy one, forget it."

McIntyre also admonishes those who think love is all that is required to make a marriage.

"Love doesn't make the world go round," McIntyre said. "For those who make it work, it takes a lot of effort; that is one of the problems young couples have: they haven't experienced the adult world yet; their emotions aren't set. They aren't ready for it."

"The divorce rate in the military is 50 percent," according to McIntyre. "It works for some, but not for all; it's hard. That is why people should wait until the woman is 25 and the man 27."

McIntyre blames the failure of his first marriage on his youth at the time.

"I got married too young the first time," McIntyre said. "That was the problem, we just grew apart. I stayed with her family after the divorce when I came back to the States; we just couldn't be married anymore."

McIntyre said he believes people must develop knowledge of themselves before they can make a commitment to one another.

"It takes that long to get to know yourself," McIntyre said. "You grow apart when you can't be together; you grow up differently with different likes, and things you don't foresee when you are 21 or 22 years old become important."

The decision to marry in the military is a hard one to make. One Norwich student who already made the choice is Christy Brown, 21, a history major from Eastern, Mass. In August she married Lance Brown, a second lieutenant in the Marine Corps.

Both attended Norwich, and now that her husband has graduated and is attending The Basic School, Brown is trying to get through her last year of college without being "too lonely."

"You have to reevaluate what you want in life, and you both have to make compromises," Brown said. "If you can't do that, it won't work."

According to Brown, she maintains constant communication with her spouse.

"We talk every night and visit each other on break every chance we get." Brown said. "But it's still hard sometimes. Even though I know neither of us would ever do anything, you still wonder, what is he doing when I'm not there? What is it like?"

According to Brown, the subject of what their marriage would be like was a constant topic for the young couple.

"We talked about it a lot before we got married," Brown said. "It was important that we sit down and talk about how difficult it was going to be. We said to each other, if you have any reservations, or aren't sure in any way that you can't handle it, then we need to discuss it."

The two decided to get married to help their chances of being stationed together when Brown enters the Air Force upon graduation, according to Brown.

"There are no guarantees that you will be stationed together, and no one can make any promises, " Brown said. "It's what the military needs. You have to cross your fingers and hope everything works out. You have to understand that it is not an easy ride. The military tells you what you are going to do, like it or not, and you have to be able to put up with that."

Brown said that she and her husband are hopeful but try to be realistic about what their married life will be like.

"We're not living in this dreamworld where we'll get stationed together and everything will be fine," Brown said. "But if we're not, we're willing to work through that. We're realistic about it; you have to be or you will get your heart broken."

Despite hearing from many people who believed they were too young to marry, Brown is confident that her marriage will succeed.

"It is something you have to decide on your own," Brown said. "I talked to a lot of people, including a military family. There will be pressures on us, and it will be a lot of hard work, but we decided we would work through it."

According to Allamae Dewey, that is what it comes down to, the tenacity to make it work.

"You need an understanding wife, or vice versa, in order to keep the marriage strong," Dewey said. "Even when he came back from being deployed it wasn't easy, there were many nights after his first trip to Vietnam where I slept very lightly because he had nightmares. So you have to be very cautious and take naps during the day."

Now married for 39 years, Allamae looks back at her own military service.

"It was my dream to stay in the Army, but in those days, when you had a baby you had to get out," Allamae said. "I stayed in the background, helping at home, and doing a lot of things like I do now."

Allamae said she recommends marriage only if there is understanding.

"I would only recommend marriage to a military person if their spouse understands the military lifestyle," Allamae said. "You have to know what you are getting into, as well. Too many couples get married in the military too young. They don't understand what life is all about. We married when I was 24 and he was 26. We both had enough experience to commit to an adult relationship at that time. It also helped that I had served."

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